tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-281337182024-03-14T10:18:23.659+11:00Sixth In LineElisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.comBlogger411125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-8954621418883611392015-09-23T20:37:00.004+10:002015-10-03T13:32:01.475+10:00I've moved blog houses<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 19px; line-height: 26px;">You’ll find me at: <a href="http://www.sixthinline.com/">http://www.sixthinline.com</a></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 19px; line-height: 26px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #666666; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 19px; line-height: 26px;">See you there.</span></div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-86432187947600754322015-09-14T09:23:00.003+10:002015-09-14T09:23:54.005+10:00A final diagnosis<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">A tub of yoghurt followed by two horse pills is my breakfast
these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All washed down with one or
two cups of tea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uL6Eh-cq9JI/VfYEAl8aFPI/AAAAAAAAA3w/ts1y_Jx_wNM/s1600/IMG_2396.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uL6Eh-cq9JI/VfYEAl8aFPI/AAAAAAAAA3w/ts1y_Jx_wNM/s320/IMG_2396.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Don’t be fooled by the size.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These ‘horse’ pills are bigger than you think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">By the time one of them hits the back of my throat it turns
sideways, even as I put it into my mouth pointy end forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To swallow one is to gag and then gulp down mouthfuls of
water before they finally settle somewhere in my stomach.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I feared I was on the control dose, by the absence of
taste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They taste like nothing, just the faint tang of plastic, but the woman who asks me questions and runs me through
tests told me the pills are made in a factory to certain specifications and all
the pills, whether the real thing or the control, are made to taste the
same.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had hoped I’d be on the real thing, not the placebo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had hoped I might observe remarkable changes in my
cognition, in my memory, in my ability to perform these Lumosity type tasks
that the researchers set every time I visit the Swinburne University where the
tests take place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The pills are meant to contain a mint extract, and the
hypothesis follows that this extract will improve cognitive functioning in
people over fifty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I haven’t noticed any deterioration, but as for improvement,
there’s none there either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I agreed to participate in this study, not only for the
altruism of giving back to the community via scientific research, but also
because they offered an MRI as part of the procedure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">A free MRI.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
establish once and for all that my brain is okay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the waiting room at the department for psychopharmacology,
the drawing board near reception is filled to the brim with notices of rooms for rent and requests to participate in other research projects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There are many that deal with so-called 'mental health'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Do you know of or live with someone who suffers from
bi-polar disorder?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’d like to talk to
you as part of our research into the condition.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I cringe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have an
aversion to the use of psychiatric jargon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">People use these expressions often these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So and so has bi-polar, as if it's a concrete
and physical disability, like being born blind or suffering from cancer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">So and so has depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I much prefer people turn these nouns into verbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I reckon it’s more helpful and meaningful to
say, ‘So and so is depressed’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It has something to do with the reductive nature of these
psychiatric categories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When used as
nouns they speak about a person as a category.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When we say someone has lung cancer, in our mind’s eye we hone
in on the horrors of the cancer, the difficulties of breathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We might ask the standard stereotypical question where lung
cancer is involved: ‘Did she smoke’, but we do not assume more about the
person. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person still has an identity
that goes beyond their diagnosis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But when we say someone has schizophrenia, for instance, it’s
as if their identity is subsumed under the label, and they cease to be a person
beyond their diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We like to label people and things. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps us to get a grip on them, but it’s
dangerous as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The fantasy seems to be if you get the diagnosis right,
correct treatment automatically follows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’ve been running through reruns of that TV series House,
about a grumpy doctor and diagnostician who works in a busy New Jersey
hospital.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The stories tend to be formulaic and dramatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They start with someone unexpectedly falling
ill, or having an accident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person
is rushed into hospital and for some strange reason, generally to do with
difficulties in diagnosis as to the cause of the problem, Dr House and his team
are called in to give a diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They start off with hunches based on symptoms, then treat
according to those hunches, one of which invariably leads the person to have a
heart attack, a stroke or some other major episode in which we are led to
believe this person will die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The person rarely dies, only survives and amazingly, the
next day they discover the real cause, which might be a tumour, or some
internal bleed, or some unspoken decision on the part of the patient to confess to having done something he or she hadn’t owned up to earlier, like taking cocaine,
or LSD or some other illegal substance that’s made them sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">House’s philosophy is that patients always lie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The body, on the other hand, obeys certain procedures and from
time to time the camera peeks inside, via fantastical imagery of what goes on
within a blood vessel, a pumping heart, or wasted lungs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Is it that people lie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or do they omit information or construct a story around events so that
they don’t disappoint their loved ones, or don't get into trouble with the law?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">People, myself inclusive, reinvent themselves in order to
present their best selves, or their worst selves, if that’s their inclination. In any case, it’s an attempt to reconstruct some sense of themselves that
meets the needs of the moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m reconstructing my identity with a move of blog sites, and
I’m fearful you won’t recognise me elsewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Please try, otherwise we might be saying goodbye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’d hate that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not
ready to see the last of you yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I hope
you’re happy to continue visiting me, even though it might involve a few extra
clicks of your mouse to get you there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">You’ll find me at:
http://www.sixthinline.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-17834050705195419762015-09-05T10:33:00.002+10:002015-09-05T10:33:38.902+10:00Gormless<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My periodontist has recommended I endure another gum graft on
one of my lower teeth to prevent further recession of the gum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I have already endured two of these
procedures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would prefer my teeth were
able to stay in my mouth, those that remain, and given I have a full lower jaw
of teeth it would be good to keep it so, but the thought of another graft
leaves me cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Two factors: for one the cost, but that’s not the overriding
concern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The overriding concern is the cut and stitches and having to
hold my mouth still for several hours after the procedure; having to avoid hard
food for weeks; and on that first day and the next, eating only soft foods, luke
warm, to give the graft a chance to take.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s almost a miracle to me that a doctor can peel a small
portion of skin from the roof of my mouth and then attach it to the section of
my gum that is receding just above the root and over time and with care
the skin will attach itself to my gum to form new healthy tissue that will then attach to my tooth and stop it from falling out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I managed to put off the procedure to early next year, during
the summer when the weather makes the thought of such assaults on my body less
awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s hereditary, my sister tells me, a legacy from our
father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His teeth fell out with gum
disease.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I would have thought they fell
out through neglect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These were the days when
people had their teeth extracted and full dentures inserted as a wedding
present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The days before fluoride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The days when teeth rotted in people’s mouths
and no one looked askance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My father never complained of toothache, at least not within
my earshot, and so I’m left wondering about the story of his teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I never went near enough to my father to remember this time
when his teeth were still his own, if only they dangled precariously from
receding roots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps they fell out
before my time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my father was only thirty-six
when I was born, he must still have had his teeth then, or did he leave them
behind in Holland?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I grew up hiding my teeth; terrified that someone might
notice they needed attention and drag me off to the nearest dentist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The dentist might then look into my
mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the look on his face…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I dreamed of going into hospital, of sleeping the sleep of
the anesthetised and of waking up with a full set of dentures, and the fantasy of
never having to worry about my teeth again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">My dreams did not come true, instead I kept most of my teeth and my worries, and I now have a periodontist to keep them all - teeth and worries - in place.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-41082443517109771242015-08-30T09:49:00.000+10:002015-08-30T09:49:53.871+10:00'I could'a been a contender'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband has gone back to sharpening knives. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not for their murderous properties, but for
the sheer beauty he finds in the smooth knife-edge, the blade that can cut a
swathe through the hairs on his arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I find it almost unbearable to watch, the blade so sharp it
could splice a single hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband pulled out several of his sharpening stones the
other day for the purpose of washing them down in readiness for use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They form part of his collection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several dull coloured blocks of fine pressed
stone against which he rubs each knife blade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5rODvPwPnjw/VeJCXHLmEmI/AAAAAAAAA3A/iacGp1VtVGE/s1600/IMG_2376.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-5rODvPwPnjw/VeJCXHLmEmI/AAAAAAAAA3A/iacGp1VtVGE/s320/IMG_2376.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband also has a sharpening wheel in the workshop
outside, his go-to sharpening stone when friends or relatives come round with
their small collection of kitchen knives, blunted from too much use.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband likes to relax at the wheel and move the blade up
and down the surface of the round stone, as it turns slowly with a steady flow
of water dripping over its surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I do not understand my husband’s passion for knives other
than the passion of one who likes to collect things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who likes to have in his possession an
example of every variety of knife available: cooks knives, paring knives, fish
knives, bread knives, Japanese and German knives, pocket knives and
cleavers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s6QTaj606Dk/VeJCggI_YKI/AAAAAAAAA3I/x4nKp0aaKSE/s1600/IMG_2378.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s6QTaj606Dk/VeJCggI_YKI/AAAAAAAAA3I/x4nKp0aaKSE/s320/IMG_2378.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Many of these knives we use, others lie tucked away, hidden
at the bottom of drawers and wrapped in tea towels or swathes of calico
cloth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gcbUJXOhfgg/VeJCtenDEQI/AAAAAAAAA3Q/9wOLYPOc_JA/s1600/IMG_2379.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gcbUJXOhfgg/VeJCtenDEQI/AAAAAAAAA3Q/9wOLYPOc_JA/s320/IMG_2379.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Recently, my husband came across a man who makes knives for a
living, a blacksmith of sorts, who forges his blades to your
specifications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The knives come back in rustic form, without handles,
unless you pay extra.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they are good
knives, heavy to hold and excellent for all manner of food preparation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When we go away for a holiday, it is not unusual for my
husband to take along a couple of knives from our kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when we stay with friends, he does not trust the quality of their knives for
cooking and so he brings his own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Besides his love of knives, my husband has multiple interests
– woodturning, book binding, jewellery making, photography, genealogy, gardening,
coin collecting, cooking and preserving – which I pitch against my one
obsession, writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It puts me in mind of my father, his passion for activities
beyond home, not that he was passionate about home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My father collected books, and photography
equipment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had dreams of building a
yacht in our back yard and bought books on the subject.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He wanted to make something of himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Who does not want to make something of themselves?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And who does not suffer disappointment in the
struggle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I thought of these words in the shower this
morning as I pondered the fate of my would-be book: Marlon Brando’s words from <i>On the Waterfront, </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘I could</span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 37.33333206176758px;">’</span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">a been a contender’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Yesterday, I met a young woman who will help me to transfer
this blog into a Wordpress blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I don’t know whether I dare say this out loud in case the
people who currently host my blog, the people at blogspot will object.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that there are people behind these
ventures, real flesh and blood people who can read these words and object to my
infidelity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There are matrix like operations behind the scenes that
control these processes, I suspect, owned by someone, but I do not understand the workings
of these things and therefore have enlisted the help of the technologically
savvy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I started this blog in 2006.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My young assistant remarked on this, as if it were a long time to be
blogging.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if it were a strange thing to
continue on such a path instead of moving onto something new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I think again of my husband’s interests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When one starts to lose its allure he can
move onto another, and back again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There’s diversity there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But my passion is relentless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It does not shift, except perhaps in its content.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There’s always something different to write about, and yet I
am fearful these days of almost every word I write, in case it offends
someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The thought police are loud in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘How can you say that?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How dare you utter such things out loud? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Do all children learn this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This business of keeping things to yourself, this business of holding
thoughts inside for fear of offending someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Lately, I find myself trying to be more circumspect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At meetings with colleagues, I try to ‘hold
my tongue’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Another of those expressions from when I was a child and
learned to hold my tongue, but it takes such an effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Virginia Woolf writes about ‘a finger held to the lips’, a
sense that we must not speak the unspeakable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Cut a knife through it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Stop this now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-12515210862369157832015-08-23T09:37:00.000+10:002015-08-23T09:37:21.056+10:00A change of face<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In not too many weeks, I will be revamping this blog.<br />
<br />
I will give it a new lease on life by transferring to Wordpress.<br />
<br />
I hope you will recognise me when I get my hair cut as it were, when I change my wardrobe, when I get this makeover, but it will still be the same me underneath. <br />
<br />
From this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ors531sd5Zs/VdkEdMMYmBI/AAAAAAAAA2I/8hIiYymeWag/s1600/Scan0012%2B%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ors531sd5Zs/VdkEdMMYmBI/AAAAAAAAA2I/8hIiYymeWag/s320/Scan0012%2B%25282%2529.jpg" width="307" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
To this:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IdPmr6RztcM/VdkExgZiLUI/AAAAAAAAA2Q/Ifs5VDJB18I/s1600/Scan0052.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IdPmr6RztcM/VdkExgZiLUI/AAAAAAAAA2Q/Ifs5VDJB18I/s320/Scan0052.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
To this: </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y63aUuCrvK4/VdkFCJBbSpI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/0cfXvA-fk24/s1600/IMG_0841.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y63aUuCrvK4/VdkFCJBbSpI/AAAAAAAAA2Y/0cfXvA-fk24/s320/IMG_0841.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
To this:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hgiyWkVkmw4/VdkFPKa6WSI/AAAAAAAAA2k/r0fsvczJazk/s1600/IMG_0932.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hgiyWkVkmw4/VdkFPKa6WSI/AAAAAAAAA2k/r0fsvczJazk/s1600/IMG_0932.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
And the future identity as it evolves. </div>
<br /></div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-26678634602853440322015-08-22T10:45:00.001+10:002015-08-22T10:45:50.732+10:00The battle of the thermostat<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Our visitor from Germany completed the 500-piece jigsaw
puzzle last night and I resented her for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She’s a wizard with jigsaws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
rest of us are slow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’ve tried to make her welcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is welcome but the difficulties of having
another person stay for several months trickles down into unspoken and trivial
resentments, such as who gets to finish the jigsaw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s a tough jigsaw, a lion’s head – the Lion King – floating
in the sky above a thin line of African wilderness with one tree on the horizon
and some lion cubs and mother lion on a hill, against a golden sinking sun and topped
off by a purple star filled night sky at the top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There are too many pieces that lack intricate detail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore to complete this jigsaw you rely on
shape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">People approach jigsaws in different ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some go for the internal details and build up
a patchwork within, while others create the frame. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m a frame person, which surprises me because it suggests I aim
to get structure into place before I tackle the internal detail, when I have
long considered myself a small detail person who can’t be too fussed about the
bigger picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ever since my mother died I’ve felt the cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if I've taken her place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She who taught me empathy in her
identifications with me when as a small girl I ran around in a t-shirt and shorts
in the middle of winter and she pleaded with me to dress more warmly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘It makes me cold to look at you’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And now I feel cold, even as I battle with our guest over the
temperature of this house. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">Even as I prefer to maintain a temperature level that’s
neither too hot, nor too cold, I have this urge to tell her, when she complains
yet again about the cold, </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Put on a jumper.’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Heating in Australian houses is not as effective as heating
in European houses, she tells us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Our houses even with proper central heating do not adjust
well to the vagaries of the weather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I prefer the thermostat to sit around 18 degrees Celsius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the most energy efficient temperature,
the gasman who maintains our central heating unit told me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And yet, some unknown person turns it up as high as 23
degrees and I begin to swelter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I turn it down, and because it’s not my husband who turned it
up and my daughter upstairs essentially leaves the thermostat alone, I can only
assume …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I suspect I do not say anything about this, in part because I
am reluctant to be seen as mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">That mean old coot, I hear you say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s tight on the temperature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She doesn’t want to waste fuel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s true, and although others who are concerned about excess
energy consumption might back me, I still feel mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I reckon part of the problem has to do with control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As long as I’m the one who dictates the temperature,
it feels okay for me, even if it’s low.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I can always put it up higher if I decide it’s too cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To be the other person, the one who is a guest and has no say
in the temperature other than to remark on its being cold and to hope for the
best, there’s a helplessness about it, and maybe a sense that things feel
colder than they are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Many years ago, one winter when my husband worked for the commonwealth
government as a public servant, there was a disruption to the heating and cooling
system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Staff protested, but there was little they could do, other
than to wear warm jumpers and singlets under their suits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To make a point, my husband wore his dressing gown over his suit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was one of those Japanese/smoking jacket
styled dressing gowns in green silk with a black trim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband looked like an emperor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s an idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep
your coat on or your dressing gown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nothing irks me more than folks who like to heat their houses
to tropical temperatures in winter so they can run around in their t-shirts as
if it’s summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But that’s what they do in Europe, I’m told.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They wear layers and build them up to go
outside and then peel them off for the great indoors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It all depends on the location of the thermostat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ours is located centrally in the warmest
corner of the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It cuts off when it
gets to temperature and leaves the living area that’s south facing and filled
with windows, freezing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s too big a space to try to heat unless you kick the
thermostat up to 25 degrees, which I refuse to do and so our house is much like
the houses of my childhood, where the lounge room in the centre of the house
with its oil heater burning brightly was warm, while the rest of the house was
like ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Maybe we need an upgrade of our heating system, to one that’s
more energy efficient, or else we might puddle along as we do now, running from
room to room, depending on the temperature we want for comfort. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-49570808177913867522015-08-15T10:09:00.000+10:002015-08-15T10:09:15.023+10:00The joys of smoking<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">One of the cats is limping and I fear she’s hurt herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when we take a closer look at the paw she
protecting, there’s no sign of damage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m slow to visit the vet, given the cat appears to be pain
free, despite her limp which is becoming less pronounced, and at the same time I
think of my shame at not being one of those pet owners who races off to the vet
the moment their beloved animal shows the slightest sign of ill health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m the same with my children – slow to respond – unless they
are obviously ill and in a way that suggests a doctor’s attention is
necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Does it go back to my childhood when a visit to the doctor
was almost unheard of?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother used to
go, in my memory in relation to women’s business, mostly to do with the making
of and the aftermath of having babies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Otherwise, we stayed away from doctors, and my father
attended to broken bones and the like, as when my sister fell out of a
tree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My sister told me later, how our father had made a makeshift splint on her
leg and left her to a sleepless and pain filled night before he decided this
one was too much for him and she was off to the hospital for a plaster
cast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the back of my mind, I have thoughts of visiting both the
doctor and the periodontist and neither thrills me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The doctor for a pap smear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That event happens every two years and for me ever since I was 21 years
old or thereabouts when I first entered into a sexual relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Forty years of pap smears, you’d think I’d get used to
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The speculum, the cold thrust, the
doctor’s gentle hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I only go to
women doctors these days for pap smears but in my early twenties it was only
possible to see male doctors and I tried not to let it bother me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Until I met my husband, I did not have a regular GP but
followed him into his GP’s surgery to see a Doctor John Pettit, a kind man
who’d have been in his forties when I first met him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He smoked cigarettes in the surgery, which even then came as
a surprise to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was still smoking,
too, as was my husband, but somehow we were on that initial wave of people who
knew smoking was dangerous and needed to be abandoned if you wanted to live to
a ripe old age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even after my husband and I finally managed to stop smoking –
more easily because I’d discovered I was pregnant and no longer craved
cigarettes – though I still dreamed of smoking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I kept it in my mind that if something bad happened,
something worse than death itself, I could always go back to smoking, and would
not care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It became my default position, rather like my thought when I
finally finished my work at the Southern Memorial Hospital’s Community Care
Centre as a social worker and moved into part time private practice as a
therapist after I had that first baby, I could always go back to being a social
worker if all else failed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">For years, it was a comfort to me, that thought, both thoughts:
that I could resume social work and take up smoking again if everything else became
impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But it’s never happened, and these days I have no desire to
smoke whatsoever, though sometimes I enjoy the smell of someone else’s
cigarettes, unlike my husband who is one of those serious anti-smokers, despite
his past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">As for social work, I doubt I could get a job as a social
worker any more. I resigned from the social work association about thirty years
ago and no longer feel that way inclined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It occurs to me, I often have a default position in my head, a
place or a person or a thing to which I can revert, when all else fails. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Once upon a time, it included ex-lovers, the men I’d
rejected, not the ones who rejected me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
now I’ve moved beyond that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">No more default positions for me, other than the occasional
fantasy of winning Tattlslotto – not that I ever enter it – or of finding a
publisher for my book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-72018252317843863662015-08-08T10:49:00.000+10:002015-08-08T10:49:28.601+10:00Long, striated and with sharp edges<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We have a pot bound tub of mother-in-law’s tongue in our back
yard, which has toppled over in the wind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Strange, given the plant is so heavy that the wind has
dislodged it or maybe its upended state has more to do with the number of
fronds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The pot has lost its centre of
gravity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RbTc82WXj40/VcVPAv4AS0I/AAAAAAAAA1c/nKunhfV4VWk/s1600/IMG_2354.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RbTc82WXj40/VcVPAv4AS0I/AAAAAAAAA1c/nKunhfV4VWk/s320/IMG_2354.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There it sits on its side like a beached whale or a creature
otherwise out of its natural habitat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband tells me they named this plant after mother in
laws and their tongues because each leaf is long and striated with sharp edges.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why do mother in laws get such bad press?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why does the term itself evoke a shudder?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Maybe it’s the ‘in law’ quality of it that adds to a sense of
distance, a sense that mothers in law are difficult people, people to keep at a
distance, people with sharp tongues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Fathers in law don’t cop it in the same way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no plant called father in law’s
tongue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why then this generalised
expression to evoke criticism and awe?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Mind you, my mother in law left me cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The first day I met her, I was in my early twenties, not long
after I had met my husband to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
those days it was still considered risqué for young people to share a bed
before marriage and my husband and I began sharing our bed from the night we
met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">After a week, my husband to be asked me to spend a few days
camping with him in Mansfield.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His uncle
owned a farm there, and attached to the farm in some outer field there was an
unoccupied shepherd’s hut, which this uncle had said we could use instead of
tents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had so enjoyed the company of this young man, my husband to
be – though I did not know this then – it seemed a reasonable proposition we go
off camping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband to be in those days lived in a share house in
Camberwell. I lived with my sister in Caulfield.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">On the day of the trip, I drove my car to my husband to be’s
house with my bag of clothes and together we collected bits and pieces from his
shared house for the three nights of living it rough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">On the way to Mansfield, we took a detour through Croydon to
collect some pots and pans for cooking from my husband to be’s family home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We did not discuss beforehand the notion that I would meet my
mother in law to be for the first time and I wandered into the house,
unprepared.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Perhaps my husband to be had hoped his mother would not be
home – an unusual expectation given she rarely moved outside of the house.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Sure enough, there she was at the kitchen sink, her favourite
place, near to the stove where she spent her days cooking biscuits and cakes,
which she piled into tins and stored in the fridge for whenever visitors came
by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband to be introduced me as a friend to his
mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put out a thin hand and
offered a half smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seemed to size
me up and down, perhaps pleased to see her son in the company of a young
woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He had been in the company of
other women before me and these relationships had not worked out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘We’re going to Mansfield to camp in Uncle Joe’s hut,’ my
husband said to his mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He might as well have told
her we were off to rob a bank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The look on her face, and I knew it instantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her face became that of a mother in law in
stereotype: slits for eyes, a knitted forehead and clenched chin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She said nothing, as she dragged out the old pots from the
back of her ovenware cupboard, but it was clear she disapproved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To the day she died, her disapproval continued, but it was
met with my own, given I took sides with my husband who had not had an easy
time with his mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This woman who
burned her son’s copy of <i>Lady Chatterley’s Lover</i>; this woman who told her son
he would never be as good or as great a man as the parish priest; this woman
who told her son he was too difficult by half.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">No wonder then, my mother in law should disapprove of me,
too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband to be and I were accomplices in crime who
lived in sin. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Today, I am the age of my mother in law when we first
met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have one son in law already and
another joining the ranks next year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two
other potential sons in law hover on the sidelines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">What sort of mother in law will I make?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-24068760643739460542015-08-01T10:03:00.002+10:002015-08-01T10:03:21.359+10:00The reader knows best<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I contributed a piece to the
Varuna Writers Centre newsletter on <a href="http://varuna.com.au/varuna/index.php/alumni/monthly-feature/item/469-alumni-feature-august-2015">ageing and the emerging writer</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And find myself aghast at some of the
comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s as if some people take
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">And why shouldn’t they?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My words are all they have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">And I wrote this piece on the
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Still, I find myself wishing I
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out there, it’s no longer yours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">It belongs to the reader and
given there are many different readers, your writing will evoke many different
responses and understandings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">So maybe, as Annah Faulkner writes in the comments, I should 'put on [my] big girl panties and get on with it now'. </span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-35613544224468558982015-07-25T11:28:00.000+10:002015-07-25T11:28:50.959+10:00'I love junk'<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">The other day, my four-year-old grandson asked for ice cream for
breakfast, and I said ‘no’.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">No. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He could have something like toast, toast with yummy
honey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But no lollies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘What about toast with sprinkles?’ he asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I thought about this and weighed up the pros and cons in
my mind long enough for him to ask further, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Are sprinkles junk?’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘They are indeed.’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘I love junk,’ my grandson said and so it seems.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My grandson abhors anything to which we might attach the label
‘good for you’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Despite his parents’ best efforts, he prefers to live on sultanas, Nutella toast and given half a chance he would consume nothing but
lollies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He can’t quite get his letter ‘l’ right and so the word comes
out as ‘wowies’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He pleads with me constantly to buy him wowies. But I stand firm
and resist most of the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Do you remember when lollies, ice cream and sweets of all
kinds ruled the day?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the greatest
comfort of all came in the form of aniseed balls, cobbers, liquorice all sorts,
White Knights, and butterscotch bars?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Anything laced with sugar or flavoured with treacle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anything that filled your head and stomach
with the sweetest of sensations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This I craved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ApmxChrEpbs/VbLlQVSVi2I/AAAAAAAAA1A/EV9gzOl-KiU/s1600/FullSizeRender.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ApmxChrEpbs/VbLlQVSVi2I/AAAAAAAAA1A/EV9gzOl-KiU/s320/FullSizeRender.jpg" width="239" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My dream was to own a caravan of sorts and to travel around
the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My caravan could convert into an enclosed tent with a fitted floor
and walls that left no cracks open to the outside world and so no bugs or undesirables
could get inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had a small fridge within my caravan. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never went so far as to imagine how it might
be charged, but it kept ice cold in my day dreams and I filled my fridge with
all the desirables: three varieties of ice cream, lollies by the shelf load and
lemonade in the side compartments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nothing remotely healthy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My plan for sustenance in my travels round the world was one
of the sweetest nourishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was
in seventh heaven. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No pesky parents or big
sisters and brothers telling me what I could not have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">No, I was in charge here and whatever and whenever I wanted
something, I could eat it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I marvelled that the adults in my life – namely my parents,
who to my mind had unlimited access to money – did not bother to fill their
fridge with the same sort of desirables. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I knew my parents enjoyed sweets, though my father could not
have them, except the sugar-free variety, because he was a diabetic. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my mother did not suffer anything that
could restrict her diet. And she never said ‘no’ to ice cream and cake. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why then was she not intent on stocking up more of these
basics in our fridge and pantry?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why did she try to restrict our biscuit quota to one pound of
sweet biscuits a week, and only when pressed would she buy more?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And then there were times when we went out for Sunday drives
and my father eventually relented and let us have an ice cream each – a thing I
longed for from the moment the trip began to the moment when we were about to
leave our destination, be it the Silvan Dam, or Gembrook or the Grampians or
any other country place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I sat in the back of the station wagon beside my sister,
closed my eyes and prayed for relief in silence, until my father sent one of the
older ones off with a ten-shilling note to buy each of us an ice cream. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To my amazement, my mother was happy to let one of my older
brothers try a bite from her ice cream when he had finished his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother was nowhere near so possessive of
her ice cream as I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother did not feel as if her world had fallen in half if one
of my older brothers took a 'big' bite out of her ice cream and broke open the chocolate
casing that surrounded her Choc Wedge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Choc Wedges were the best ice creams we were ever allowed, a cut above
icy poles but several steps below the much desired Cornettos or Gaytimes, ice
creams my father never let my older brother choose, because they were expensive
and although choc wedges were twice as dear as icy poles, they were twice less expensive
than the grandest of ice-creams, the ones I never tried until I was almost an
adult and more in control of what I might manage to coerce out of my
mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">By then many of my siblings had left home and so only a few of
us younger ones remained. The ice cream bill reduced and so the standard of ice
creams rose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These days, lollies don’t do it for me anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">How sad, now when I am the adult I once dreamed of becoming,
when now I can afford to spend buckets of my money on sweets, I choose not
to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These days I’d rather drink wine than lemonade, and eat
cheese rather than cake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My little self is appalled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-63954233357068796682015-07-19T11:48:00.000+10:002015-07-19T11:48:05.889+10:00Antarctic vortex<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I bought the dog a coat this year to help him with the cold. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other years it hasn’t felt necessary, at least
not in terms of my identification with him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And here, I think about how, on a cold day when I was a child
who refused to wear her jumper, my mother said to me; ‘It makes me cold to look
at you’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The roots of empathy perhaps?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My mother sympathising, only, I did not feel cold at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She felt cold looking at me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These last several weeks I felt cold looking at the dog. And
so I bought him the best coat I could find at a reasonable price, one that fitted
well and one that was easy enough to put on him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Now every morning before his first visit to the garden, I
struggle to get him to cooperate in the wearing of this coat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He needs to lift one leg at a time to fit
into the separate holes in the front, then I bring up the two sides to join the
fabric across his back and slide in the zip joins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This is tricky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If I accidentally drop one side and the dog drags a foot out
of its hole, I need to start all over again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Who’d have thought it would be so hard to dress a dog?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had wanted something I could slip over his
head, jumper style, something that did not need as much cooperation from
him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this was the only one that fitted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Although the dog has adjusted to the wearing of this coat by
day when he’s outside in the cold, I suspect he’d rather do with out, though he
seems now to appreciate the warmth it generates.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9K76sXWOdZk/Var-te3WpiI/AAAAAAAAA0k/s27ysw9iNAU/s1600/IMG_2340.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9K76sXWOdZk/Var-te3WpiI/AAAAAAAAA0k/s27ysw9iNAU/s320/IMG_2340.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Or is that me again, me being like my mother, me responding
to my sense of the cold, not his?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband says, ‘He’s a dog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dogs can manage all weathers.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe on the farm when my husband was a boy they could.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My daughter says, ‘Small dogs can die when it gets too cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They need protection.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In several months time, I will be going off on a short freefall
writing retreat with the wonderful <a href="https://www.facebook.com/FreefallWriting">Barbara Turner Vesselago</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m looking forward to this time but also
fearful that I will not write to her specifications.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not as I write for this blog, with its mix of
the ‘show, don’t tell’ variety and a heavy dose of telling, as in authorial
intrusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m forever telling you what I think.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a no-no in most writing circles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The rule is: keep yourself out of the writing, unless in
disguise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s boring for readers, the
saying goes, ‘Show, don’t tell’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let
readers make up their own minds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I agree, up to a point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But I reckon there’s merit in the other style of writing too, the so-called
‘<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diegesis">diegetic</a>’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Don’t be put of by the word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s a writing style in which the writer speaks to you about what goes
on. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/W._G._Sebald">WG Sebald</a> for instance, and many others write this way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even wonderful writers of the show-don’t-tell variety have
sections wherein the writer paraphrases the action to move the story
along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps with pace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also necessary because every single
detail cannot be shown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are some
things readers need to know if they are to enjoy the action. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Anyhow, I’m fearful of the freefall because it will require I
concentrate hard on the show-don’t-tell stuff, otherwise known as the ‘<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mimesis">mimetic</a>’.
Again, don’t be put off by the word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These are things I’ve learned about writing over the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That they fascinate me is no guarantee
they’ll fascinate you, rather like my mother’s view: Just because she was cold
without a jumper, there’s no guarantee I was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had a higher metabolic rate at the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d have been bouncing around in the garden
not noticing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my mother, looking out
on me from the windows of the kitchen where she’d have had the fire on high, would
have been more aware of the contrast between the warmth inside and the temperature
outside. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When my mother entered her last year of life, she kept her
heater at full bore all day long in winter. To enter her room was to enter a
sauna. She found it pleasant and every time I came in with only a cardigan and
no coat she would tell me off for not dressing warmly enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But I came prepared for her room. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These days, and this winter particularly, I feel the cold in
my own right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’m not alone here. Everyone throughout certain parts of
Australia is complaining of and rejoicing in the fact that we have snow in
Queensland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Not for something like fifty years has there been snow in
Queensland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They call it the <a href="http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/antarctic-vortex-to-bring-freezing-winds-and-temperatures-well-below-average/story-fnn8dlfs-1227437407171">Antarctic vortex</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which puts me in mind of a comment that <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeni_Mawter">JeniMawter</a> made when she handed the fiction prize in the <a href="http://www.lanecove.nsw.gov.au/Community/Library/Pages/LaneCoveLiteraryAward.aspx">Lane Cove competition</a> last
year to <a href="http://www.abiggerbrighterworld.com/about-us/">Marjorie Lewis-Jones</a>, ‘Don't start your story with the weather.’ <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I hadn’t realised that. To me, the weather in my story was
simply that, weather at the opposite extreme of what we have now, a hot
stinking summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There you have it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When
writers talk about the rules of writing they can develop any number of rules to
justify what to do and what not to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I say, ‘do it anyhow’ and see how it works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it sounds lumpy and clunky and does not invite
your reader in, then think again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
some of these rules – better named guidelines – might help. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">Bearing in mind, what works for you might not work for the
other. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">Still your ‘feel’ for things is
probably a good place to start.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-67263523271660453142015-07-12T11:26:00.000+10:002015-07-12T11:26:11.544+10:00No breasts allowed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I spent the early hours of this morning dreaming about nipples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was at a psychotherapy conference and the
topic was on infant observation, the business of taking time out, an hour a
week for at least a year to observe the earliest days of a baby’s life, most
likely in the company of its mother and/or father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The talk had been boring, safe and non-controversial. I
wanted to liven it up with stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wanted anecdotes or some illustrations of the sorts of things that can happen
to lift the topic away from theoretical abstraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I rehearsed a comment in my head that went along these
lines:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my daughter had painted a picture,
on a huge canvas of a gigantic nipple, a red orb and in its centre a tiny white
spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I knew as soon as I mentioned the word nipple, people would
start to vibrate with the embarrassment of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As if I were using a swear word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nipples in the context of babies are all about nourishment
and survival and there is huge pleasure in that as well as frustration and anxiety
and all the things that go along with disappointing feeds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nipples are also eroticised for the benefits of sexual desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why this dream? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I saw an image as I flashed through Facebook yesterday of a
muscular man with a so-called six pack who had cut out the nipples from images
of celebrities, one of whom was Beyoncé, the other I can’t remember - one in black and white, the other in colour - and he had pasted these nipples over his own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">His picture reminded me of the way strippers look when they
paste those little suction caps and tassels over their own nipples when at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sort you see in movies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It looked ridiculous and all of this to make the point that Facebook’s
policy on covering up female nipples is hypocritical when it’s okay to put the
male nipple on display.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I have wondered about this often alongside the furore that erupts
from time to time when breastfeeding mothers are escorted from the premises for
feeding their babies in public.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">No breasts allowed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And yet breasts are visible everywhere, in whole or in part,
small or large, floppy or firm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Why do female breasts evoke <a href="http://sociologytoolbox.com/social-construction-of-the-body/">such a passionate response</a>. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I reckon it has to do with those unspoken unrecognised
infantile desires in all of us for a feed, for a mother and for all that those
breasts represent, but I may be wrong here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-85583207329657722832015-07-05T11:14:00.001+10:002015-07-05T11:14:51.696+10:00The appearance of things<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This morning, I’m working against the clatter of back ground
voices as my husband convenes a business meeting of sorts in our kitchen with
friends/clients whom he helps out from time to time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Last night he told me they wanted a nine o’clock start.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nine in the morning. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On
a Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It was okay, he said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could just get about as I normally do on a Sunday morning without
interruption, only the presence of strangers in the house meant I was not
comfortable staying in my dressing gown for hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It meant I needed to take a fast shower and dress enough to
be respectable. Not that my dressing gown is not respectable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a little on the eccentric side or so my
daughters tell me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Black and white
swirls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes me look like a cartoon
character, especially when set off against my pale pink and white striped bed
socks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I made my tea before these people arrived and now it’s
already cold and I’m struck by the effect of such an intrusion on my writing
time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It chases away my memory of last night’s dreams, and shifts
the immediacy of the moment into my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The voices in the kitchen are silent for a few minutes and I
find I am distracted once more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">During the quiet moments my husband will be reading some
document or other and the others around the table will wait in silence for the
verdict, his interpretation of what to them is otherwise double Dutch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband is knowledgeable on the nature of contracts, those
legal arrangements that people make with one another with all sorts of
conditions and caveats to protect both parties.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband is a stickler for fair and reasonable contracts
wherein the needs of both parties are met.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It applies to property and wills and all matters related to births,
deaths and marriages.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We made a contract with one another last night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I promised him I would leave him to get himself organised in
the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would not set the alarm,
as is my custom, not on Sunday morning, the one day of the week where we sleep
in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He said that was fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could hide away and behave as usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He would deal with his visitors.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I opened my eyes to the day at twenty to nine and woke him,
because I realised if he did not get a move on, he would be greeting his guests
in his dressing gown and although it’s not as garish as mine, I think he’d
prefer he were ready for such visitors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This is another thing we do; we break our contracts as the
need arises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are, after all, not necessarily
set in stone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If I had been able to fall back to sleep there and then, I
might have done, but instead I was awake, enough to get myself into readiness
to write and this ideally involves the absence of all distractions; like those
voices from the kitchen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The clothes I put on this morning do not match.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dark blue jeans with a flecked pattern, a
hand me down from one of my daughters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She discards her clothes before they’re worn out and I can’t
bear to see them go to waste and so I wear them on weekends when it does not
matter that I wear trousers chosen by someone else for someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They clash with the orange top I chose as a contrast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too much of a contrast, I fear and as I type
and look down to my middle I’m assaulted by this clash.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeXoBgKT3Fo/VZiE70NSsbI/AAAAAAAAA0M/UMyeS1iV8AE/s1600/IMG_2321.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-jeXoBgKT3Fo/VZiE70NSsbI/AAAAAAAAA0M/UMyeS1iV8AE/s320/IMG_2321.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And because it’s cold, cold beyond my usual
expectations of winter cold, I chose my cable knit cardigan, a cardigan I only
wear when the temperatures drop below ten degrees Celsius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My body is inclined to cook inside this cardigan and the visible
clash worsens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I spend a lot of time travelling through Facebook and the
number of times I see posts that emphasize appearance is alarming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The appearance of things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">People visit this house and they say it’s lovely, but
immediately my thoughts streak back to the underlying disorder of this house,
the fact there are cracks in walls, it needs a repaint inside and out and there
are places in the parquetry where the dog has dug up tiles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband never quite finished lining all the floorboards
and over time, over thirty years or so, we've grown used to the gaps, but
they’re obvious if you look below the surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The way Sherlock Holmes of the recent TV series can greet a
person for the first time and instantly from his perceptive eye pick up all
sorts of minor details about this person such that he can even know what he’s
had for breakfast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Most of us do not have such perceptive vision, and yet we all
see below the surface.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We see things
that are not there, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We reverberate
against one another. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I decide almost instantly on whether or not I like a person,
whether I want to spend more time with that person, whether that person is
simpatico.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Most of my decision is based, not only on the appearance of
things, but also on that unspoken thing called ‘transference’, the degree to
which I superimpose my experience of significant others from my life,
especially from my childhood, onto them and they do likewise to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And so it goes, we make up stories about other people in the
back of our minds and we may be completely off in real terms, but it fits our
expectations, and can influence our behaviour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There’s a problem here, not just in the business of ‘love at
first sight’ but also, its opposite, ‘hate at first sight’, which most often
sprouts from prejudice, from all the ’isms: racism, ageism, and our tendency to
stereotype.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Best to reserve judgment, therefore whenever we meet new
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe get to know them a little
before we decide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-60451091384345741162015-06-28T19:11:00.000+10:002015-06-28T19:11:06.929+10:00Arithmetic<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Mother Margaret Mary stood in front of the class and handed
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I knew it would take an age to come to my name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mother Margaret Mary went
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘I knew you weren’t any good at mental,’ Mother Margaret Mary
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</span>‘But not this bad.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had not known I was this bad either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’d tried hard to figure out those numbers, those additions
and subtractions, multiplications and divisions, but my head went fuzzy and it
took me ages to get out one sum after the next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Two out of ten,’ Mother Margaret Mary said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She said it in a way that made me feel small.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said it in away that made me wonder
whether she enjoyed my bad mark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This was not unusual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Mother Margaret had a way of triumphing over our childhood mistakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When one of the boys talked to his friend during class when
he should have been silent, she called him out to the front and then took a
ribbon from her desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She kept a
collection of ribbons there, ribbons that had fallen from the hair of some careless
girls and been lost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She took the ribbon and lifted a piece of loose hair from the
boy’s head then tied the ribbon round it in a bow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Times; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Then she ordered the boy to
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near the door. She kept him there for hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘If you act like a girl, you’ll be treated like one.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That presumably was a reference to Mother
Margaret Mary’s choice of ribbon for his hair, but I never understood the
reference to girl’s behaviour nor the purpose of the rubbish bin, other than to
tell the boy he was nothing more than rubbish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I didn’t know about humiliation in those days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I didn’t know then that some people took pleasure in making
other people who were already vulnerable by virtue of their size or some other
difficulty, feel even more vulnerable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Years later, when I was at senior school and had grown taller
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was still no good at arithmetic, I could at least count and measure size.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I met Mother Margaret Mary one day at my new school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had come with other nuns to visit when
they appointed a new reverend mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw
her at the back of the chapel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear
she had shrunk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She looked so much older that I remembered her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And for the first time in my life it occurred
to me that people can change, and those who wield power over you one day, can
the next, become like the emperor of no clothes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘The queen wipes her bum, too,’ my husband once said to me
when I was approaching a meeting that terrified me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">He was trying to give me courage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in a strange way it helped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Not the sight of the queen on the toilet, but the idea that
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body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When I was a small child who failed her mental arithmetic test
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had imagined she did not eat, or sleep, or use the toilet
like the rest of us, and that outside of the classroom and staff room she spent
her days in church.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-32846719134601516042015-06-20T10:05:00.000+10:002015-06-20T10:54:39.897+10:00Once upon a time...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In an hour or so, I will skype an acquaintance whom I met
online and who now lives in New York, about her editing of my manuscript.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In other words, I will talk to someone on the other side of
the world and we will see one another on the screen as if we are close by and
it will be our first ‘real’ encounter, as face to face as we can get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I have a daughter who lives in Japan at the moment and
another visiting Berlin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have seen
both of them in the past week on the screen, heard their voices and, although we
have not been able to touch, we have been able to be with one another in ways I
could not have dreamed of as a child except on the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Jetsons">Jetsons</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Once upon a time, we communicated with our loved ones overseas
in written form on aerogrammes: thin blue paper with a dark border around
the edge, the image of a plane in one corner, already stamp impregnated on the other top corner at a
cost dependant on its destination and with broken lines around the ends that told you where to
fold, and with sticky bits that jutted out onto rounded corners which you could stick down to form an envelope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Such aerogrammes you needed to open with a knife, otherwise
you risked ripping into your beloved one’s written words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There were telegrams too, this time on pale yellow paper with
short typed messages that often omitted joining words to cut down on
costs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">People sent telegrams sent at times of births
and especially deaths and maybe to announce a wedding or to send greetings at a
wedding when the person could not be there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When I was a child, my Dutch relatives phoned maybe once a
year, at Christmas time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I watched my mother
take up the phone, its black receiver that stood against the wall in the
hallway near to the bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">She sounded</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">breathless
in anticipation and her words in Dutch were halted as if she were measuring
each word out and weighted in gold.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">Ten
dollars a minute these calls cost, or some such ridiculous amount.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">It made it hard for anyone to want to speak
and when they did, they reverted to platitudes in their anxiety to reconnect.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother received one such call in Healesville where we
lived for a time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I watched her pick up
the ringing handset and as if in a movie, she pulled away from the wall when
she heard the news that her mother had died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She could not go to the funeral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could not say goodbye to her mother.
Could not hold her mother’s cold hard hand when her body was laid out for a
vigil; could not do anything other than imagine her mother’s death and mourn
alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My daughters overseas were devastated that they, too, could not
be here for their cousin’s funeral last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s hard work going to a funeral but harder still not being able to
share the family ritual that connects us and helps us to go on living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In an hour or so when I connect with the woman in New York
who will help me to think more about my manuscript, I will notice the quickening
tempo of my own speech, because I am nervous and I dislike seeing myself in the
corner of the screen while I am looking at this other person who fills the
screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Depending on the connection quality, colours and shapes will
distort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will see one another, but
not as we might were we to meet in person. Still it's a good thing at least to see
one another when we speak. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Better than a phone call, though this skype call will
not hold the same terrors as the calls my mother made to her family over fifty
years ago when they rang from Holland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Just an optimal level of anxiety.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We will be free to speak as many words as we need to
communicate our respective messages, but still I am nervous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s like waiting for test results at the doctor’s when you
fear you might have some dreaded disease, or exam results when you fear you might
have failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">How will I receive her criticism?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have told her I do not want to re-write the
whole thing, but I am concerned about its structure, the way it hangs together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Structure, that monster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It stalks me whenever I write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">What’s your structure here?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">As <a href="http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2176.Flaubert_s_Parrot">Julian Barnes describes in <i>Flaubert’s Parrot</i>:</a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 150%;">‘Form isn’t an overcoat flung over the flesh of thought (that
old comparison, old in Flaubert’s day); it’s the flesh of thought itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can no more imagine an Idea without a
Form than a Form without an Idea.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 37.33333206176758px;">’</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I greet this quote as the words of authority from a great man,
Flaubert, whose mind was more disciplined than mine, who thought in that
rational well-enunciated way through which scholars think, while I straggle around
the edges, barely able to select one thought over another, to create something
that coheres. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And my skype call to New York awaits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-15351066030378211002015-06-13T11:09:00.000+10:002015-06-13T11:09:47.073+10:00Farewell<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Part way up the mountain in Macedon, we said goodbye to my
niece.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was freezing despite the
faintest glimmer of sunshine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The organisers had set up a marquee in a secluded section of
the gardens at Duneira, a reception centre that mainly caters for weddings and
other life inspiring events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It was uncanny the way I found myself – I was not alone in
this –using the word ‘wedding’ in the place of funeral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was also understandable, because in
November last year, my niece and her partner were married in the sun in Portsea and the festivities
were similar, much happier, but even then we knew about the gruesome diagnosis
and that it was only a matter of time before we would be saying goodbye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even in her dying, my niece worried about polluting the earth
with her chemical soaked remains and so she organised an <a href="http://www.naturalgrace.com.au/eco-friendly-funerals">environmentally sustainable funeral</a> where they did not use more chemicals to keep her body life-like after death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Nor did she use a coffin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Instead, her family wrapped her in a shroud, which they and others who had
attended an earlier vigil, decorated with drawings and messages.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A simple calico coloured cloth that housed
her body before cremation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They rested my niece on a flat board
with handles on either side, which the pallbearers used to carry her out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We all brought flowers and foliage from our gardens and
spread them around her body during the service and then later the funeral
assistants carried these cuttings, flowers and branches in huge strips of cloth behind
the hearse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My niece’s immediate family walked before the hearse as it
drove down the hill to the main road and the rest of us formed a guard of honour
on either side to farewell this beloved young woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">All the cliché’s come to my mind and I try to push them
away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I dreamed this morning that my niece’s father, my brother, stayed at my house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was looking for
things to repair he said. He liked to keep himself busy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Keep busy, he and his wife said after the funeral, as they
handed out food to guests.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep busy, as
if in doing so they could keep on living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If we stop we die, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We join my niece in her frozen state.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the past week I find myself overcome by a type of malaise
that leaves me unmotivated beyond my work and the normal domestic duties of my
days. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I find myself wanting to withdraw
from the extra-curricula.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I find myself wanting
to sleep more than usual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I find myself wanting to avoid writing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I tell myself I’ve written enough words for any person’s lifetime.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe it’s time to start editing and erasing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prune back the words to their bare
minimum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I know of at least two successful writers who reckon that
most people write too much. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I felt chastened when they first told me this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It left me feeling clumsy and loud, as if I had
spilt out my thoughts in a useless array when I should be more like my friends and sit
for hours in silence before I let one single sentence appear on my screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Everything else is mere indulgence. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-74043708318933126722015-06-08T08:40:00.000+10:002015-06-08T08:40:39.083+10:00A dead man's shoes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br /></div>
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Is it churlish of me not to believe
that my beloved niece who died five days ago is up there in heaven with my mum
and ‘having a ball’, as one of my sisters told me the other day? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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I wish I could believe it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such thoughts make going on living
easier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such thoughts make the idea of
dying easier, but they don’t help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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My niece has died and the process
of saying goodbye is too raw and close to write about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Given my preoccupation with my own
death of late, I try to find other ways of processing this stark event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stark because it’s out of order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.aloquattree.net/">Read my niece's words, before she died</a>, if you will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She writes like a dream. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Young people should not die, but
they do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Young people who leave other even
younger people motherless, should not die, but they do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I have only attended funerals thus
far in my life where the death has felt vaguely okay, given the age or circumstances
of the person who died, my parents, my husband’s parents, my brother in
law.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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All their deaths felt
bearable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This most recent death in my
family does not.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
So I will go into memories of an
earlier death, one that did not leave me breathless, but curious.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The Archbishop of Melbourne, Daniel
Mannix died in his nineties and our city grieved, at least those who shared my
bubble of the world as a young girl living in the <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>leafy green suburbs of Catholic Melbourne grieved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
They laid him out in state in the
middle of Saint Patrick’s cathedral and people were invited to visit him over
the course of a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My family went, those still living
at home, and by some strange turn of events, my father, who had long stopped going
to Mass, came too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He drove the car and
my sisters and I sat in the back of the station wagon from where we waved to
cars that followed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The idea was to get as much of a
response from the driver and his passengers following.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A nod, a smile a wave of the hand was enough.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was more than we could elicit from
the body of the archbishop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
We queued outside in the early evening
and walked up the aisle in a shuffling procession of silent believers, heads
bent in grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I had to pretend and studied
the terracotta tiles on the floor and the curve of the arm rests at the end of
each pew.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The way they formed an ending
to each row and became their own sort of row going up and down the church.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I had never before seen a dead
body, at least not in the flesh. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
imagined only the dead saints from holy pictures, those who were burned at the
stake or flailed alive or had a red cascade of blood flowing down their sides,
with a beatific smile on their faces. They welcomed death. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The archbishop’s face was white and
his skin taut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He wore makeup and his
hair, tucked underneath his archbishop’s hat, what little you could see of it, was
neat and slicked down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Clerical robes hid the rest of his
body, all of it unremarkable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the
shoes left me puzzled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They shone as
though they were black patents, the shoes of my First Holy Communion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They shone as though they were made of black
plastic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They caught the light. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I could have seen myself reflected
in those shoes if I had been allowed to lean over far enough to try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the coffin was erected on a dais and held
away from the people by a frame of posts held together by dark braid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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No one told us to keep off but it
was obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Death lies here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Death has a way of silencing
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It leaves us breathless, and I’m not
talking about those who die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are silent
and breathless for evermore. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m talking
about those of us lucky enough or unlucky enough, as the case may be, who
remain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Those of us who must go on living
in this imperfect world without their loved one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those who must make sense of the world
without her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-72757837768190792652015-05-31T11:40:00.003+10:002015-05-31T11:41:58.261+10:00Not dead yet. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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You’re a fool, you know that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fool to think your body would not start to
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<br /></div>
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The blind optimism of your mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even she could not hold out against
death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s less than a year since my mother died
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</span>I’m next in line of the generations to die and although in this world of
never ending youth, or at least the pursuit of it, I’m not that old yet, I sometimes
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<br /></div>
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Science could let me have another
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</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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and then, kerplunck, they’re dead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The doctor made taking Coversyl for hypertension sound
as commonplace as taking Panadol for a headache. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Once you’re past a certain
age, once in your fifties, or past sixty, you're likely to need it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's like with cars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They wear out, so do bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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‘If I asked the population of
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<br /></div>
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And so my fate is sealed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Five milligrams of the tiny blue pill and in
the morning my blood pressure on my home machine had dropped to below 120 over
68.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
What’s in this stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The placebo effect must in there somewhere,
too, because as soon as I took that small blue pill I began to feel better.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I'm so persuadable. Give me a
doctor whose argument sounds reasonably sound and I’m off, following his advice, but I
won’t be decided completely on this course of action, this reading of past events,
until I see my female doctor, the only one I trust, and then hopefully things
will settle down. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-44739707098755100192015-05-24T11:42:00.000+10:002015-05-24T11:42:42.358+10:00Death is round the corner<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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My head is dizzy and not just
figuratively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either I’ve copped a
virus, or else I’m having a stroke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or
maybe I have a brain tumour or some other sinister event is taking place within
my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The hypochondriac in me tells me
this dizziness signals disaster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The optimist
reckons its nothing short of a virus that will pass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
But I’m surrounded by illness and
it can become contagious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
A friend rang this morning to ask
my middle name, she’s making out her will and needs such details. It’s a
comfort to imagine she might be planning to remember me in her inheritance, but a grim thought to consider she might die soon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s just turned 85.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
And then there are other reminders
that death is around the corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I scan the death notices most days,
looking for signs that people I once knew have died, but we only subscribe to
the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Age </i>and most of the names that
appear there are those more conventional Anglo-Saxon types who also subscribe
to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Age</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lEl-15c_8N0/VWEryRZ1jTI/AAAAAAAAAzc/Xg4fEqDkwC0/s1600/IMG_2250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lEl-15c_8N0/VWEryRZ1jTI/AAAAAAAAAzc/Xg4fEqDkwC0/s320/IMG_2250.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
To read the fuller death notices in
Melbourne you have to subscribe to the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Sun
Herald</i> where hundreds of notices from different nationalities ring out the
news.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a depressing thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
One day my name will be included in
those notices, just as we included my mother’s name last year and my father’s
before her some thirty plus years ago. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
My niece on the cusp of forty may be dying from a rare form of cancer and the very idea fills me with grief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Too young, too soon, and yet she has told me, when she goes to the Peter
Mac Callum clinic for treatment, she’s not a rare case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The waiting room is filled with people and
many of them are under forty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
To me, under forty is still
young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too young to die.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
The longer you live, the older
you’ll get, the statistics tell us, as if that too might be cause for comfort.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
These grim thoughts need an antidote.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
In the shower this morning as I
reflected on my night’s dreams, two things struck me. One is the degree to which
the babies in my dreams, and I often dream of babies, are a mixture of infant
and adult, as in they can talk fluently, they eat adult food, and they can sometimes
walk even under six months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I drag these babies along with me
in my dreams and they tend to fit in and survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make of that what you will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Then the other feature - a pleasure
in my dreams beyond those occasional dreams in which I find myself flying over
rooftops, elevated above the ground simply by willing it to happen - I find
money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And not just small amounts of
money.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
There’s a fifty-dollar note I see
tucked behind a rock. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pick it up and
there’s another and then another. I stash them into my pockets keen to gather
as many as I can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But this money belongs to someone
else. I should not take it or else I must grab it fast because soon they’ll
return and lay claim to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll be
caught out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
Adam Philips writes about ‘guilt as
the psychoanalytic word for not getting caught’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I write of the horrors of getting
caught.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of being found out and then of
having to suffer the consequences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
I can’t trick my body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It knows when something’s wrong, but whether
or not I pay attention is another matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-86298806035882788552015-05-17T11:26:00.004+10:002015-05-17T11:26:53.582+10:00The threat within ourselves<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Inside the front cover of a paper back copy of Jane Austin’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Pride and Prejudice</i> –faded yellow with its
spine held together by sticky tape – someone has scratched out the first
initial of my older sister’s name and changed it to a younger sister’s
initial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The book was presumably a
hand-me-down for school. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JN_J5VHeUxg/VVftBrZk5DI/AAAAAAAAAzA/eMofelIvHSc/s1600/IMG_2241.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JN_J5VHeUxg/VVftBrZk5DI/AAAAAAAAAzA/eMofelIvHSc/s320/IMG_2241.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Underneath my sister’s name, my father has written the words:
GEKKEN EN DWAZEN SCHRYVEN HUN NAMEN OP DEUREN EN GLAZEN, which translates into
‘People who are silly and mad write their names on doors and windows’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My sister gave me the book recently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s going through a phase where she wants
to rid herself of all negative energy and the words on the front cover of this
book exude just that, at least they do for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">For me these words are intriguing and given I do not have many
examples of my father’s handwriting, they’re a treasure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However much I might disagree with the sentiment
they express.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When I was little I wondered what these words could mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could it be such a stupid thing to write
your name down on the front of your books?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or maybe my father was having a go at those who write their names on
trees and walls and fences, graffiti artists and the like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They do more than inscribe their names, but certainly the
mark or tag of a graffiti artist seems to be an important part of their work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still write my name
in the front of my books, mostly as a territorial thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I claim this book as my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that it helps the book to stay in my
possession. I am an inveterate book lender and even though I once tried to keep
a list of all books borrowed out to others so that I might remind the borrowers
in the fullness of time they have my book, I forget to fill in the list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s incomplete and then I forget where I put
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">So my books with my silly name in the front cover are scattered
all over in other people’s libraries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">As long as they’re loved, I say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I made my annual pilgrimage to the Freud conference
yesterday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The two main speakers from
Germany spoke about fundamentalism, fanaticism and religion to a large
audience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The topic was daunting, not least because during the
introductions the conference organiser told us that ‘for reasons of security
for this particular conference’ they would lock the doors during sessions and a
body guard would protect the premises at all times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She told us this in case we decided to go outside during the
breaks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She told us this in order to
remind us that should we go outside during one of the breaks we should return
at least ten minutes before the proceedings resume so that we are not locked
out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Moreover, the conference organiser told us to keep our nametag
on at all times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘If the guard sees you without your nametag, you will be
escorted from the building’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I call this overkill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Some said it was necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe it was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A duty of care, one
person told me during the break.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
again it was, but it also created an aura of the enemy, the ‘other’, the one
lurking outside who might at any moment enter with a machine gun or hand
grenade to attack us in our seats or to take us hostage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And so we experienced the effects of terrorism first hand, albeit
at a distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, terrorism is
designed to terrify. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This contrasts with other injunctions from government
spokespeople and the like who say, go about your business as usual and don’t be afraid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be alert, but unafraid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The conference made me more afraid than I might otherwise
have been but even though the threat of terrorism is real and there are good
reasons for all of us to pay attention, the greatest fear I reckon lies in
ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Our own tendencies to look at life in terms of the black and
the white, insiders and outsiders, clashes of identity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">During the breaks I managed to speak to many people, some old
acquaintances, others new, but always I had the sense – as I so often have at
conferences – that we are ships who pass in the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Some of these people I saw last year at the Freud conference
and I will see them again in a year at the next Freud conference.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Conferences like this one that happen every year have the
quality of Christmas family get togethers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Not everyone in the family comes, but there are enough of us
who get together, along with a few extras, occasional friends or extended family
members, to create a strange tension.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It reminds me of the energy my sister talks about from the
front cover of her book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The pride and prejudice of it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I suspect my father’s words might reflect his own
difficulties in acknowledging his identity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He was proud of his name, the same name as that of his father, his
father’s father, his father’s father’s father going back through the
centuries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But he could not wear his name with the confidence he might
have liked, given his decimation through war and family trauma, and so he could
not tolerate the idea that his children should wear their own names with pride.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-48548070800201919942015-05-09T09:31:00.002+10:002015-05-09T09:31:23.152+10:00Nothing remarkable here. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">At a dinner last night, one of our hosts began to talk about
his memories from childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">His was an English education, boarding school from the age of
twelve, a life I have long wondered about, but then I asked his wife about her
education and my curiosity tripped me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">What was it like for you as a child? I asked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too broad a question perhaps but her response
was immediate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘I had an ordinary, a normal childhood, nothing remarkable there.’
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My friend went on to say something about her mother as a
divorcee and that this was not the thing in those days, but that was all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I sensed a trapdoor shut with the words, ‘Mine was an
ordinary childhood’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It puts me in mind of the times when my husband and I once interviewed
would-be nannies for our children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
any one of them uttered the words ‘I love children’ I struck them off my list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I distrust such sentiments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who ‘loves’ children and who has an ordinary childhood? To me there is
no such thing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Childhood is that magical and terrifying place where life is
its hardest, full of pitfalls, full of tricky and incomprehensible adults.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Full of the hypocrisy of life, when even if
you can figure out something of what’s going on, the rest is still in
darkness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">To me there’s a hole in a narrative when someone reports on
a happy childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A happy
childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A normal childhood, an
ordinary one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no such thing, I
reckon, though of course there are degrees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother spent our lives insisting that her childhood was happy. The oldest of seven children, the first girl with only one female
rival, a sister, one of twins, six years younger, my mother was the apple of
her father’s eye.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She told us stories endlessly of how she lived in a
two-storey house on the Marnixplein in Holland where even though it froze over
in wintertime there were always canals and lakes on which to skate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I sensed my friend did not want to go into any details about
her childhood, after all it was so normal, but something tells me there was much more
to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Life doesn't begin in young adulthood when we step out into
the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It begins the
day we're born, and </span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 37.33333206176758px;">the richest moments occur in</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> those extraordinary years before we reach what people call
adulthood.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Virginia Woolf talks about them as ‘moments of being’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The moment when memories coalesce to form a
crystal of images that can take narrative form and become something like the
tip of an iceberg, underneath which the rest of our life’s memories form. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They point to something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even a statement as bland as ‘I had a normal childhood’, hints at its
opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">An ordinary childhood is a restricted childhood, one in which
a child is discouraged from going deeply into whatever experience life might
offer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I can see it in the form of one of my teachers, Miss
Fitzgerald, a woman who kept on her coat during classes in the grade three
classroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She spoke in a thick Scottish
accent and had an aura that made her classes the best behaved in the
school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She gave us an ordinary
education, one that refused to feed our curiosity and imaginations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">An ordinary childhood is a repressed one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Last night at the dinner, for a moment I felt like a poor
relative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My friends come from other
parts of the world, from places far afield and perhaps some of my interminable
cultural cringe rose to the surface when I thought once more of the lack of
glamour of my own Australian education. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But then I have to check myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We’ve all of us – those lucky enough or unlucky, as the case
may be, to have had an education – experienced something of the Mrs
Fitzgerald’s of this world, the strict and sour women who control their classes
by instilling fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And whenever it happens, there’s still a story to tell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There is no such thing as an ordinary childhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-90505667544233202802015-05-03T11:16:00.001+10:002015-05-03T11:16:50.881+10:00Memory's thump<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">After she died, my mother left each of her children $8154.94
as their inheritance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had wanted to
leave $10,000.00 each out of the proceeds of her rooms at the retirement
village where she had spent her last decade, but the way these things go, costs
and disbursements whittled some away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Throughout her life my mother was determined to give each of
her children something of significance, and each must have an equal share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ironically, what she leaves can never be equal<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">For some of us, $8000.00 plus is a significant sum, for
others it’s a trifle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some it can go
into unpaid debts, for others it becomes part of their inheritance to their own
children, administered early. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They will give it away. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">After my husband’s father died and left a small but more
significant inheritance size-wise, he wanted to buy something of substance as a
reminder of his father: a timeless piece of furniture that might stand up
against time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I have not been able to think of anything to honour the
memory of my mother other than through words on the page.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">One of my brothers has been writing his ‘chronicles’ about
his life, which he had wanted to include in the family archive, but has since
withdrawn because some family members objected to certain of his
statements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The response to his writing, which he initially spread far
and wide among our extended family, was a bit like my mother’s
inheritance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some responded loudly – it
meant a great deal to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Others did
not react at all, or at least not in company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Last night, I read the second section of my brother’s
chronicles in which he addresses some of the contentious areas where people
have challenged his view of what really happened in our family and I wonder yet
again about the nature of fact and of fiction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The ways in which one person’s story can seem so very
different from that of a sibling, when both occupied the same space in
childhood, when both shared the same parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But in many ways, my brother’s parents were not my
parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All nine of us have different
parents, given that our parents – despite our mother’s best intentions to treat
us all equally – behaved differently with each one of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My father prized the boys above the girls; at least as far as
academic achievement was concerned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Girls were good for housework and sexual favours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother, on the other hand, preferred her sons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Especially, the first and last-born, though
the first might say that our mother preferred the second born son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These distinctions put differential pressures on each of us
as girls and as boys.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Years ago, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Garner">Helen Garner</a> wrote a story about her sisters for
an <a href="http://www.drusillamodjeska.com/my-books/sisters/">anthology on sisters</a> in which she gave her sisters names based on
chronology, second sister, third sister etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have a similar impulse in relation to writing about my brothers, given
there are five of them, and each is unique.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Here, too, I try to protect their identities in order to make
a point about family experience, but this emphasis on family chronology can make
for dull storytelling, so the critic in my head pulls me up and says ‘fictionsalise’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Does it matter that my brother writes in blunt words, that my
father penetrated my sister and raped her on a number of occasions, both for
its factual nature and that the statement seems to take it further than my
understanding of events.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Did my father actually penetrate my sister?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Does degree matter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
father penetrated my sister’s mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He penetrated
mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He penetrated all our minds but in
different ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">See these words on the page.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>See how they disturb, even as I put them down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">See how much the reader wants to say, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘No, don</span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 37.33333206176758px;">’</span><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">t write that’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Don’t say that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
speak of these events, they are too awful to consider.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Embellish them in a story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Give the reader some space in which to imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t leave it too open-ended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My brother writes about his own memory of seeing my father go
into my sister’s bedroom late at night. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes
my father was naked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This one hits me with a thump.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My brother as witness and given that he himself did not go
into my sister’s bedroom, given he did not watch my father with my sister, but
could only imagine it, he may have taken his memories to this extreme. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When we witness events, we take in certain aspects of that
event and our memory and imagination then kicks in and rearranges the images
over time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When I read about my brother’s memory it puzzles me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only in so far as I do not remember my father
walking naked through the house until I was in my teens, by which time this
brother had left home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But when this brother still lived at home, it is possible
that he saw my father in ways I did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Does it matter, the truthfulness of all this, of who saw
what, of who did what to whom?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I suspect it does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
when it comes to sexual abuse, the facts become murky, simply through the
overload of sensations that accompany our understanding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">When I read about the <a href="http://www.facebook.com/WilliamTyrellbringbackhome">three year old boy who went missingfrom his home </a>on the mid-north coast of NSW several months ago and of how
police later recruited the aid of Interpol to look out for a paedophile ring, I
cannot get it out of my mind: the sight of this little boy in the grip of a
group of paedophiles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In my imagination, they are a blurry group of dark clothed
men standing in a ring around this small boy, preying on his body as if they
are dogs fighting over a bone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This is as much as my imagination can bear before I want to
snap it shut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop the images.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are too unimaginable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother was a person who could not bear to see what was
going on around her, under her own roof.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She could not contemplate what was happening to her
daughters, most particularly her oldest, even though she tells the story of
finding my father at my sister’s bedside and of telling him if she ever saw him
doing this again she would kill him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She thought that was enough to stop him. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It was not enough. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My father continued to visit my sister in the night and my
mother continued not to see, until it was too late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even now in my family, and in the community at large, it is
hard to want to see these things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Perhaps this is one of the reasons I write about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pick at them like an old sore, and there
are some who say, stop it, get over it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s done now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get on with your
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There are some who might put our mother’s inheritance into
the bank – just a few extra dollars and nothing of any substance – and there
are others who might like to make the most of our mother’s inheritance, some
who might want to use some of the talent she passed onto her children, both for
observation and her ability to write, but also to fight against this tendency
of hers to turn a blind eye. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-48394904704648802712015-04-25T10:51:00.000+10:002015-04-25T10:51:43.901+10:00Don't go<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘You’re on track,’ the gym instructor said to me last week,
little knowing that I had dragged myself in and that from time to time I kept
telling myself, I’d like to give up on this regime of twice weekly weight
lifting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But I don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I must do this till the end of my life or at least until my
body says, no more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can hardly bear
the thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Endless hours at the gym
trying to stop my body from its inevitable decline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I suppose it offers borrowed time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It means I feel less shaky on my legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It means I can go longer distances, walk
further and not feel the trembles every time I get above twenty steps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It means I’m still in the land of the living.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even so, I long to rid myself of this suitcase body of mine
and stretch to greater heights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There’s still a red scar where my wound happened over a month
ago now. It took so long to heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
measured the whole of my time away in Edinburgh by the pain in my finger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It ached more in the cold and every day I
kept applying the special plastic bandage the doctor had ordered for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This bandage allowed the right amount of
moisture through, air and whatever else is needed for healing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And now I can’t go to the gym today because it’s Anzac
day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A reprieve and an annoyance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s hard enough to motivate myself but when the government
offers a disincentive in the form of a public holiday where everything is meant
to close down – not that it does – then I have to find the motivation tomorrow
or the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And all of this in honour of a battle that was anything but a
victory and even if it was, should we be happy about celebrating it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Scenes from my father’s war in Europe:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-irU95hAR-BY/VTrjz6mMLiI/AAAAAAAAAyc/dfRPJPhKU9Y/s1600/1940-11.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-irU95hAR-BY/VTrjz6mMLiI/AAAAAAAAAyc/dfRPJPhKU9Y/s1600/1940-11.jpg" height="320" width="224" /></a></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Another of my daughters is going away soon, overseas, this
time for an indefinite period, and this time to Japan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I have to choke back the lump in my throat that stops me from
saying, ‘Don’t go’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to encourage
her at every turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It’s a good thing to go away to explore new places, new
cultures, new lives, but all the time the tug of home reminds me of why I
hate to travel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why I hate to
stray too far from home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mother once told the story of how in her first few weeks
in Melbourne when she lived with her husband and five children in a converted
chook shed, she struggled to adjust to this new place so far from Holland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">One day as she swept the kitchen floor of the bungalow,
through the open door, she noticed the parish priest drive by in his car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She saw him and waved, but he did not see
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">At that moment a rush of pain ran through her body.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Back home in Haarlem, the parish priest knew her well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back home in Haarlem, he would not drive by
and ignore her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would stop and visit
for morning coffee after Mass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Back home my mother was someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here in Australia she was a no one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">At times my mother shifted from this sense of not being
wanted or known into deriding the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This country, these people, these Australians, they lack culture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">They have no art, no history, no ancient buildings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They do not know about fine food, and they do
not discuss important ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are
ignorant and boorish and at parties the men stand at one end of the room and
drink beer together while the women huddle at the other end or in the kitchen
over cups of tea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I tried then to imagine what the word ‘culture’ meant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If Europeans possessed culture, then could culture have
something to do with the way the men on building sites – the men who to me
looked to be mainly European, Italians, Poles, foreigners – behaved?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These men worked hard and smoked cigarettes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They wolf whistled whenever a young woman
walked past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Was this culture?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was
this what my mother longed for, to be recognised, to be wanted?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The wolf whistles were meant to be complimentary, or were
they?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time I reached
adolescence and these workers whistled at me, I felt the conflict of pleasure
at being noticed with a wish to be hidden and left alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">It felt as if I was taken over in some way, but this had to
be good I told myself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was a sign
of approval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This meant I was desirable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Yet if these men actually talked to me or knew me in any way,
then they would change their minds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
would see how I was awkward and could not string words together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would see the state of my teeth and
recoil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Or in turn, I might recoil at the sight of their arm muscles,
the clumsiness of their broken English or the smell of BO that ran off their
bodies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Was this culture?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And now when I am beyond the wolf whistles of the past, when
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objectifying and a thinly disguised sign of contempt for women, I’m troubled by
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The way I saw things then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">These old views clash with what I see around me now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And once when I was young I might have thought I could
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mere carry all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My mind the only thing to matter once I gave up on my
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">But I still despise war, not only for those of us who suffer
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they’re lucky enough to survive must live with the consequences of what they
have seen, done, and heard. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Going to the gym will only take a person so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-33484754370264714042015-04-18T11:18:00.001+10:002015-04-19T18:14:14.255+10:00He could be an axe murderer...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The night before I met Jim Murdoch in person, I
dreamed about our meeting, only in my dream Jim Murdoch had morphed into <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerald_Murnane">Gerald Murnane</a>, the Australian writer, once in contention for a Nobel prize in
literature, with whom I’ve been corresponding for over ten years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Times; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">Gerald Murnane and I have agreed it’s better to have a
relationship through the written word than to engage in person, and until the
time we met, Jim Murdoch and I had a similar relationship, one that existed on
the page only, or should I say on the screen, an online relationship that many
of us in the blogosphere share. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Times; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-fareast-language: JA;">In my dream, the entire Murnane family came to meet
me, but there was some trouble over who might drive the family car, Murnane’s
elderly father or me. This dream speaks to me of all sorts of things, but
for now, it’s enough to observe how much it hints at my anxiety in meeting Jim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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meeting. I had only just arrived in Edinburgh two days earlier so I was
still in that fog of newness that descends whenever you arrive in a foreign
place and my nervousness was hard to shake.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My Edinburgh-based daughter had shown me the day before how I
might walk from our hotel room along St Mary’s Street to Waverly station in Edinburgh to take the
train to Glasgow's Queen Street station where Jim and I had arranged on Facebook to meet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If only we’d agreed to meet alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say this now because in our initial
planning I had mentioned to Jim that my husband would also like to meet him and
suggested that Jim’s wife, Carrie, whom I’ve also met online – my husband does not
communicate online, he prefers to keep out of cyberspace – might
like to join us too, and so we became a foursome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The extra invitations were a protective manoeuvre, I reckon
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As one of my daughters said to me
when I told her I’d be meeting the Jim Murdoch from my blog, ‘How do you know
he is who he says he is? He could be an axe murderer.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The thought had not crossed my mind that Jim could be anyone
other than the man he claims to be on his blog. I had no doubt as
to his actual existence, but to appease my children and my husband and maybe to
appease that doubtful part of myself that I here deny, that just-in-case part
of myself, I thought it would be better to include our spouses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I can still see myself arrive at Glasgow station.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look up in awe at the overarching ceilings on these amazing railway stations in Scotland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s like being in the movies. You mind the gap as you step off the train under the glare of light; you walk the stretch of platform, jostling with other passengers; and then </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">you take out your ticket, and </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">slip it into the slot, not entirely confident that this machine
will offer it back for the return journey nor lift the bar to let you through.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">This time it worked and almost before I had time to clear the exit,
with my husband close behind, I saw Jim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I recognised him instantly from his pictures and he recognised me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">Jim was, as his photos suggest, a man with a ginger/grey
beard that almost hides his face and glasses.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span><br />
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">My impulse, my rehearsed greeting, was one of
a slowly proffered hand, but Jim grabbed me in a hug that was so strong, heart felt and warm it caught me off guard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I had imagined that Jim Murdoch, the man who tells me about his
reclusive ways, would be less forthcoming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>More like me, physically shy and held back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I did not say anything of this to Jim at the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the time, we walked briskly
along one cold Glasgow Street around a corner past the Wellington Monument and we talked about the weather and the fact that Jim had chosen a nearby patisserie
where we might stop to drink our coffee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The
monument was decked out with a witches hat/traffic cone that some ‘naughty boys’ probably
put up there years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sjcnRwjmTTA/VTGpDFpkASI/AAAAAAAAAyE/wIz4Z0kUa_g/s1600/DSC_0420.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sjcnRwjmTTA/VTGpDFpkASI/AAAAAAAAAyE/wIz4Z0kUa_g/s1600/DSC_0420.jpeg" height="320" width="192" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Carrie was already settled inside, Jim told us, as my husband trailed
behind, all three of us caught up in the niceties of that first meeting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The rest of our time together swims by in a haze of images.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The coffee lounge or patisserie was one of
those large, efficient establishments in beige colours with dark wood flourishes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did not pay it too much attention caught up as I was in this first meeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Jim had told me in his Facebook message that given Carrie’s presence
we would not be lost for words. He was right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Carrie took hold of the conversation and the four of us talked together
about the sort of trivia people share when they meet for the first time across
countries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How the weather in Australia
compares to Glasgow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Together we roamed
over all sorts of vague irrelevancies to clear a space for deeper conversation
that never really happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We two sat diagonally opposite and there were so many times
when I would have liked to shut the other two up and talk to Jim about things
that matter to me about writing, things that I imagine matter to Jim, too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I would have liked to cut across the friendly banter and dive
deep into conversation that meant more, but it was not to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the end, after we had finished our lattes
and Jim had ordered a second cup of coffee for him and Carrie, and my husband and I had
finished our glasses of water – we’d had breakfast on the way to Waverly station
and could not tolerate the idea of a second cup of coffee, whereas Jim and
Carrie were keen for more – we said our goodbyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I was torn between my husband’s needs and my own.
My own wish to plunge into thoughts about writing and life in the online world,
instead we talked about power companies and the cost of electricity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">My husband had also mentioned how keen he was to visit Mackintosh House, which he had read about. A house of remarkable design, whose original owners had introduced a new style of architecture in the early 1900s. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">We never got there because the
house turned out to be further into town at the university and the
rain was pelting down.</span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">By the time we left Jim and Carrie, the first thing we did, in
order to get out of the rain and for warmth, we went
to GOMA, the Glasgow Museum of Modern Art.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Up and down stairs, the bright lights and colours of paintings on walls
by some of Glasgow’s finest artists, left me hankering for the cosy warmth of
the patisserie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In retrospect, my visit with Jim Murdoch became an opportunity lost.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could it be otherwise in the circumstances?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">There are times when the written word can be more enticing
than the flesh, the face to face, the ordinary defensiveness of real life
contact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In writing we can be more honest, however much we might
construct our stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In person, we are
polite and hide behind our smiles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">In writing we can <a href="http://jim-murdoch.blogspot.com.au/">tell the truth about lies</a></span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28133718.post-61821164019185327352015-04-12T13:04:00.001+10:002015-04-12T13:04:15.082+10:00Far from home<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">You’d think I’d get over this aversion to travel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’d think I’d join the ranks of all those
who ooh and aah at the thought of some new country on their horizon, those who
love nothing more than to be tourists exploring other people’s back yards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">But </span></span><span style="font-size: 19px; line-height: 37.33333206176758px;">I'm still averse, e</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">ven after two amazing weeks in Scotland.</span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"> I should start with the
positives, the pleasurable moments, the moments of bliss when we drove through
the single road from Glasgow up to Fort William through the mountainous peaks
of Glencoe in our upgraded hire car – upgraded to a brand new BMW, which was
comfortable, but anxiety producing in so far as we feared putting so much as a
scratch on its exterior – the insurance excess is phenomenal, even though we
paid for it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">See how easy it is to slip into the negatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We drove through magic territory, the stuff of movies, as in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">The Hobbit </i>and<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Lord of the Rings</i>, snow capped peaks that loomed down on us
through thick mists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cqPdSKuXlGQ/VSndigbUxdI/AAAAAAAAAw4/6izZamCceZc/s1600/IMG_2021.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cqPdSKuXlGQ/VSndigbUxdI/AAAAAAAAAw4/6izZamCceZc/s1600/IMG_2021.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Ever so romantic from the comfort of our car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ever so inspiring, but not when you stepped into
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then it was cold beyond belief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">And everywhere these huge expanses of water, the lochs of
Lomond and others, alongside the Trossachs National park.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the signs written in Gaelic to add to the
effect of being in a foreign place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Likewise in Edinburgh itself, this extraordinary crag,
Arthur’s Seat, which tourists climb from numerous angles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One cold afternoon I walked around the back
of the section they call the crags, alone except for the twenty or so tourists
I encountered, and found myself between two gorse covered peaks in a green
grassy valley. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8l73OQjfY9A/VSnd0UTZtAI/AAAAAAAAAxA/Ts9fJ_cZ6ZA/s1600/IMG_2197.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-8l73OQjfY9A/VSnd0UTZtAI/AAAAAAAAAxA/Ts9fJ_cZ6ZA/s1600/IMG_2197.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I felt again the awe of the natural world, however much people
have spoiled it by their presence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">That said, I do not enjoy being a tourist, one of the many, who spend
their days window shopping on the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Here you see I slip back into the negatives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The positives of this trip include, first and foremost
spending time with our youngest daughter, which was in fact the reason for our
trip in the first place, the reason for our choice of destination, which had
been her choice of destination, hers to study in a foreign place on exchange
and ours to visit her halfway through her time away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">She made the trip easier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She knew the place well enough by then to be able to take us to good
restaurants and to help us to avoid the crappy ones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Even then when we moved around without her we still found
ourselves lunching in a place in Edinburgh called Biblos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">‘Didn’t you know that’s part of a
chain, one of those horrible tourist joints?’ our daughter said when I told
her about our lack-lustre lunch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘You
could have guessed.’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">In hindsight, we could have guessed, but by then we were tired
and wanted to stop almost anywhere.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If I were in Melbourne, I’d know where to stop and what to
avoid, by and large, but that’s another of the hazards of travelling, the stuff
of not knowing where to stop for basics, like food and drink.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The same could be said of accommodation but by and large we
chose wisely, though our bed in Oban on the way to the <a href="http://www.isle-of-mull.net/">Isle of Mull</a> sloped into
the middle and I felt as though I was on the edge of a hill all night rolling
down from a high point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the bed
itself was as hard as a board which made the roll downhill even more
unavoidable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">On the other hand, <a href="http://www.strongarbh.com/">Strongarbh house</a>, the place we stayed in
at the Isle of Mull in Tobermorey, was a place of fairy tales.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most magnificent house I’ve ever
occupied. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XE6tgBbMEA8/VSneIhiQPaI/AAAAAAAAAxI/lCR1_-RHb_c/s1600/IMG_2124.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XE6tgBbMEA8/VSneIhiQPaI/AAAAAAAAAxI/lCR1_-RHb_c/s1600/IMG_2124.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">On Easter Sunday morning the condensation on the window was
so thick I could not see out to the sea below but over time given a hint of sunshine,
it cleared.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Strange how much pleasure renders me speechless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">If I had things to complain about in
Tobermorey, I’d have had heaps to write about, but here it was all so
magnificent it's hard to gripe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the afternoon we visited the basement library at
Strongarbh house, which the owners made available to us as guests and we read
and rested, while in the morning we explored the small town, with its curve of
coloured shop fronts over the way from a protected bay and there we sensed
something of a Scottish way of life that beats all the postcards in existence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O5SwMKy1198/VSneXVmKVUI/AAAAAAAAAxQ/-YJ8EDPuXQY/s1600/IMG_2095.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-O5SwMKy1198/VSneXVmKVUI/AAAAAAAAAxQ/-YJ8EDPuXQY/s1600/IMG_2095.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">In the heart of me, I enjoyed these experiences, but every
time we three knocked heads over some disagreement – which side of the road we
might walk on, or where we might head from one moment to the next – I longed
for home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We seemed so different from one another in Scotland.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">Between the three of us it could become a tussle of our
individual insecurities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Plus we tended to pair off, me and my husband, me and my daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And on occasion I was left alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%;">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">We fell naturally into these divisions, and there were times
when each of us wanted to be alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
greatest conflict erupted when all three of us were together. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are family after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I often wondered about the pressures on
family life in what must have been a very difficult environment, given the
remoteness of the terrain and the weather.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 200%;">One day, we visited <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glencoe,_Highland">Glencoe</a>,
‘the glen of tears’ and scene of a major battle in earlier times. The
details evade me, but the sense of walking through that land, occupied by the
likes of Lorna Doone, stays with me. Orange covered gorse and dried out
ferns long killed by the snow, trees still bare of leaves, and a few leaf buds
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">The daffodils sprouted in bunches all over the place in green
patches of grass, the grass more green than in Australia, the daffodils more
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZiQCj5KbOXA/VSnen2zvFqI/AAAAAAAAAxY/-yGE6yk7Ric/s1600/IMG_2041.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ZiQCj5KbOXA/VSnen2zvFqI/AAAAAAAAAxY/-yGE6yk7Ric/s1600/IMG_2041.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 200%;">I’ve more to write about this trip to Scotland, including
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Elisabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04015624747225433940noreply@blogger.com7